Making money....I need a money tree

I cannot thank all of my online friends enough for the money that has been donated to help Cloe get her ACP repair surgery. Between Chip-In donations and checks sent directly to me we now have just over $300 :) Just $2300 more to go (not all through donations, which is why I am writing this blog post.)

So folks might think this is weird but I am determined to save for her surgery first before we do IVF. She is our furbaby and we have an obligation to make sure that she is properly cared for and loved. I am considering using CareCredit for her but we REALLY don't want to go further in debt right this second. So for now I am focusing on how to raise/earn the rest of the money to get her knee fixed. One thing I am doing is ChaCha. For months I've been saying that I'm gonna do it but today I really am doing it. I am reviewing all of the videos and then I will get started answering questions :) I know ChaCha won't make me rich but even an extra $100 or so per month will help.

I really have to get my ass in gear and get my BeachBody business going. For real. I want to do this to earn money and to help others improve their health. I hope to tackle that this weekend.

I am considering opening an etsy shop but am not sure what I would sell. I'm good at photography but I am wondering if people will even want to buy my prints....that would be the worst, if people didn't want my stuff. Also, I have no idea how much I'd need to charge for prints in order to make a profit. I'm also trying to think of other ideas for things to sell on etsy...perhaps something dog related since I want to use the money to raise money for Chloe's surgery. Any ideas from my faithful readers?

I swear that I'm not a whiney twit all the time

I feel like lately all of done is whine. I promise, I really do love my life but at times it's difficult and I don't necessarily like it. Plus, February is just not the best month right now:

February 5th was 4 years that we've been TTC with no success.
February 14th is Valentine's Day (well and my oldest brother's birthday, which is of course a good thing <3) and while it's not an uber-important day to me, it's definitely a difficult day during deployment.
February 15th was the WTF appointment with our RE and part of the news was not good (more on that in a minute).
February 16th (today) is our third wedding anniversary and he's in a war zone.
Two out of four of our dogs are limping (one of them is a senior dog).
Lately the babes have been sleep fighting.
Today I had to cancel my hair appointment, the one thing that I have been looking forward to since the failed cycle, because our girl got sick and had to be picked up from preschool.
I emailed and called my therapist this week but haven't heard back from her.
I texted my local BFF last week, haven't heard back from her.

Yes, I know that "this too shall pass."I know that other people have it worse and yes, I love the babes and am thankful for them. I know that I am blessed with an amazing husband who calls me from over there as much as possible and who is still alive and relatively safe. And yes, I love our crazy zoo and would not trade any of them for the world. I am just having a tough time right now and apparently need to vent, A LOT.

Perhaps the hardest thing was the WTF appointment with the RE. I learned that we are now dealing with some MFI (male factor issues) regarding morphology and quality....as if my PCOS and endometriosis were not enough. The RE does not want to use any more of the frozen samples that P left and instead recommends a fresh IVF cycle after P gets home and after he has a SA to test his swimmers. I am just overwhelmed at the thought of doing another IVF and at the thought of paying for it (99% that we've used up my insurance benefit). We still have one frozen embryo but our RE is not crazy about thawing and transferring only one embryo but the success rate is not that great. No matter what, I am relieved to be on a break for a few months. As our RE said, I have "too much" going on right now and need to focus on me.

So yeah, I will take the next few months to focus on me as much as I can with 2 kids and a zoo. I also plan to find some way to make friends, reliable friends, in this place. I love my internet friends but it's not like I can teleport y'all here to me ;)

Exhausted-warning, whining ahead

I am exhausted. Lately both babes are fighting any sort of sleep. I finally got J to sleep (after much crying) only to have SB launch a toy from her crib into his and then start her exorcist screaming. Currently she is in timeout while I type this. And yes, I am most definitely drinking wine.

I am out numbered.
I am tired.
I am sick of deployment.
I am sicking of fucking ovarian cysts that are so painful they wake me up
I am tired of negative temperatures, snow and ice (well, these wouldn't be so bad if my damn 4WD vehicle was in operating condition).
I am damn fucking sick of infertility.

Also, it looks like another one of our dogs has hip dysplasia :-( That makes 2 dogs with hip/joint problems, 1 with doggy dementia and 1 with adjustment issues (not including the fact that 3 out of 4 have skin allergies and both males have separation issues).

Tomorrow I will put my big girl panties back on but right now I will pour another glass of wine and have a pity party.

Day by Day.....

I haven't gone a day without crying.

I haven't gone a day without praying that it wasn't true.

Some days I am hopeful and hopeless at different times on the same days.

Everyday I am terrified that FET will not work.

Everyday I thank God for my family, friends and especially my amazing husband who makes me feel supported all the way from Afghanistan.

I have a plan because, well....plans make me feel better and more in control. I have become a BeachBody coach and plan to work through P90X (for a second time, love it!) and then Insanity so that I can get in shape and lose the IUI/IVF weight that I've gained over the past 2 years. I really want to make my BeachBody business work so that we can become debt free and so that we can save up money for future infertility treatments. My goal this week is to get through all the BB training so that I can really get started in this. For me, it's not just about making money; it's also about helping people improve their lives and get healthy. Here are my sites (so far) http://beachbodycoach.com/esuite/home/liberalgranola (My BeachBody page) and http://myshakeology.com/esuite/home/liberalgranola (my Shakeology page). I drink the chocolate Shakeology everyday and I freaking love it! Look for more posts on here about me getting in shape and helping others :)

My health/fitness goal is to lose 2 dress sizes, which will get me back to where I was before starting injectable infertility medications. It is a totally do-able goal for me. Also I'll be smokin' hot for P when he returns from deployment :)

I realize that there is no way that I can do FET without P here. Doing this fresh IVF cycle without him here, while being solely responsible for the kiddos was way too stressful. I have my WTF appt with the RE next month and I plan to talk to him about FET in detail, including letting him know my reasons for waiting. This failed IVF cycle has just been so emotionally and physically draining....I now know that I need P here with me for support.

I could not have gotten through this without the amazing support from my friends online. Seriously, y'all are a lifeline to me. Yo have people who understand, support me and don't judge me is so wonderful. I love y'all.

Not pregnant

Beta was negative. I am devastated. I can't stop crying. I am terrified to do FET, which won't happen til P gets home (my choice).

To all my friends, you are amazing. The love & words of support mean more than I can ever explain <3

4dp5dt

For those of you who think that one of the kids or furbabies typed the title, that's 4 days post 5 day transfer :-D

My boss ordered me to not come into work today-she wants me to have another day of bed rest. So I took the kiddos to preschool and I am camped out on the couch :) My plan today is TV, snuggling with dogs, napping and eating. Oh, and trying not to obsess about this whole IVF thing.....

So here in the spirit of not obsessing, here's what's been going on since the 5dt :) I have been exhausted and hungry like all the time! I am sure that a lot of me being tired is due to the progesterone supplement but the appetite, I have no idea. My boobs are sore and huge (thank you progesterone) and I am peeing more during the night. I've had a couple of bouts of random nausea and I am craving steak and baked potatoes like every day. I also had cramping on and off yesterday and one weird cramping episode that actually woke me up at 0330 in the morning. I am praying that those were implantation pains.

So yeah....I am remaining super hopeful and praying literally all the time that this is our cycle. I go for my bets test next week, right before P's birthday...a BFP with a strong beta number would be the best present ever!

We have 1 snowbaby!!!

The clinic called today to update me on our one remaining embaby. The embryologist said that it looked great, graded it at a AA (the highest/best) and said that they are able to freeze it! I. AM. SO. HAPPY :-)

PUPO!!!

I now have 2 embabies in me :) Everyone at Conceptions was super optimistic and wonderful today-the nurse even hugged me as I left.

We have the possibilty of freezing 1 embaby-the other 3 didn't make it. I am praying that these 2 embabies stick & that our other one makes it to freezing.

I have to give a shout out to my Twitter friends. They have been amazing. To y'all, I love ya & I'm praying that all of us who are PUPO or in the 2ww get our BFPs and healthy babies <3

In 48 hours.....

I will be PUPO! I am so excited and scared. I wish that P was here for all of this. Depending on other people (besides him) makes me nervous and generally uncomfortable.

Our 6 embabies are doing fine as of yesterday <3 They are all average to high quality and I won't get another update on them until the morning of the transfer. I am praying that all is well and that we get a healthy baby from this IVF cycle.

Ugh, and now I'm crying again. Damn hormones!

And then there were 6

I had my egg retrieval this morning and the RE got 6 eggs. P's swimmers looked great after thawing and the embryologist was optimistic. My friend, Brittany, took me for the ER and watched the kids....yeah, they had to come with us since we got some snow and the preschool had a late open of 8am. She took them to McD's to play while I was there. From the time I got there until I was released was about 90 min. I do very well with the twilight anasthesia :)

So now we wait and pray that they fertilize and that we end up with a healthy baby. I cannot thank y'all enough for all of the support through out all of this....seriously, I could not do it without y'all.

A short but sweet update

This week we have finally gotten into a routine & the kids are finally feeling better. SB, niece, is eating better and sleeping better. Bedtime is now a comfortable routine for all of us :)

We're still working on the whole bonding/attaching part and I'm ok with that. I cannot explain how much y'alls support and acceptance means. I'm going easier on myself and realizing that things aren't going to happen over night....and that it's all okay :)

In other news, still doing injections in prep for IVF 1.0. I have another date with Wandy tomorrow & I'm hoping for a weekend egg retrieval. I'm praying that this works the first time, for lots of reasons.

IVF 1.0 starts TOMORROW!!!!

To my male readers who do not want to read about bodily fluids unique to females, too bad :-D

So remember how I met with Nurse Awesome (that's her new nickname, I've decided) in October and we figured out that if AF stayed regular, we'd have to push IVF to the end of January? (The reason for that is because the embryologists have down time around the end of Dec for the holiday season.) Well, AF was late last month (which was incredibly frustrating for me since there was no way I was with child) and she was right on time this month (incredibly heartbreaking since it was our last natural TTC cycle). So I called Nurse Awesome to let her know that CD1 was yesterday since they want to keep track of that before IVF. She called back and left a message about calling in birth control for the next 2 cycles for a January IVF. I called back, left a message and said "that's fine" and told her what pharmacy I use. Then she called back with fan-freaking-tastic news :)

She double checked the calendar and realized that if I start bc tomorrow, and continue taking active ones through December 24th WE CAN START STIMS ON THE 26TH!!!!! This is a whole month ahead of schedule which is freaking amazing and it's the original time that P and I decided that we wanted to do it. I am excited and nervous and full of HOPE that this will work for us.

So I now have roughly 4 weeks to get in the best shape possible-I CAN SO DO THIS. Tonight I am having my last bottle of wine for what I hope is a very long time ;-) Tomorrow I will be heading to the studio for Zumba and TRX, which will continue until the doctor says I need to slow down. Tomorrow I will also be getting my bc pills, Metformin refill, Folgard refill and Prenatal refill. Oh, and I'll be setting a therapy appointment tomorrow!

For real, I am stoked for this. I really am. I am determined to remain hopeful and optimistic through this process. We WILL be parents <3

The countdown to IVF 1.0

Well, R&R is over (please read my deployment blog for details) and I am not miraculously pregnant. We both knew it was a long shot but I had so many good signs of ovulation...*sigh* Guess tonight I'll finish off the beer and wine in the house to drown my sorrows.

If AF decides to stay on schedule, IVF 1.0 will happen in late January. That gives me 2 cycles to get my body in tip top shape for baby making. Between all the eating out and drinking we did over R&R, I have about 15 lbs to lose before starting the IVF medications. The clinic did not tell me to lose weight but I want to lose it because 1) I need to fit into my clothes and 2) I will put on weight with the stimulating medications. I have been a total slacker in the fitness area due to a 4 week long respiratory infection (I *hate* viruses) and then 2 weeks of having P home. Starting tomorrow, I'll be back on track with Zumba and eating. I'll also be back in therapy to help me deal with all the stress and anxiety caused by IVF, deployment and work.

So, to all my lovely friends out there who have done IVF-do you have any advice for me? Here's what I'm currently planning/doing-continue with the FertilAid and FertiliTea (you can order those here); exercise, including prenatal yoga; therapy; and possibly acupuncture. With our IUIs the only injections were Follistim and then the trigger shot. If you did others, what meds were they and did they hurt? In short, HELP PLEASE :-p

Confession time......

Last week I went to the "coordination of care" meetings at the IVF clinic. I met with the financial person, embryologist and my nurse. I was quite informative and answered lots of my questions but y'all.....I AM FREAKING OUT NOW. Not like all the time but when I stop and think about it doing it without P being here (thank you deployment), that's when it really gets me.

I'm not scared of giving myself injections-I injected myself 99% of the time when we did IUIs-but I'm anxious about not having the in person support of him. I have great friends here IRL and in cyberspace, but nothing can replace the feeling of having my best friend, my soulmate home and emotionally supporting me. Having him hold me at night while I cry out my worry of never getting pregnant, no one else can do that.

And that brings me to something else....what if it doesn't work? My team of people at the IVF clinic are confident but we all know that it not working is a definite possibility. Gah, I can't think about that right now....I will lose it if I do. I haven't been to therapy in forever...I really need to call her.

I put on a good front most of the time because with P being gone, I have been able to NOT focus on getting pregnant. Now that's all gonna change....and I might be a crazy hormonal person again *sigh*

Of course, if we get naturally pregnant over R&R (and I stay pregnant) then I'll be the happiest woman EVER!