He is home :)

P has been home for just over a week and though things are not perfect, we are now a family of four. Reintegration is difficult, then when you throw in 2 kids that he's never met who call him Daddy, well....it's a challenge. We've had some wonderful days like yesterday, though; days that remind me that we can totally do this. Today is proving to be another good day as well; the kids are playing quietly, the dogs are being lazy, I am cleaning and P is relaxing by playing his new PS3 :)

One thing that P and I have decided to share cooking duties. With us both working and now hitting the YMCA after work everyday, we need fast, healthy meals. P has said that he will grill most nights (especially on the weekends) and I will make the side dishes. For example, today he will grill the steaks and hot dogs while I make the sweet potato fries and steamed veggies. I am also going to attempt to make some different side dishes, such as quinoa salad and ethnic dishes. We'll see out that turns out...

I cannot adequately put into words how it feels to have him home with us. It is amazing but wow, reintegration is a bitch. He is used to things being a certain way and I am used to things being my way. P was only here for 4 months before he deployed, so in a sense he came home to my home. I had things the way that I wanted them and he didn't necessarily agree with some of it. He's done some cleaning (actually, a lot of cleaning) and organizing which almost sent me over the edge because I am so Monica (as in Monica from Friends) about things. I've gotten over that now and I realize that I have to give and compromise more. Plus, having a husband who now cleans the house without me asking is nice :)

I promise to write more about this whole reintegration process, partly for me and also because I think that it is not talked about enough. For now, I have to go wrangle an 18 month old boy and get some more coffee.

"It's time for you to take care of you"....

I am sick for like the millionth time. It seems I have stayed sick since the kids came in December. This time it is a sinus infection and upper respiratory infection...last month it was enterocolitis that landed me in the ER. I take vitamins. I eat healthy. I try to exercise when my body allows it. The doctors all agree that the weeks of untreated insomnia wrecked my immune system and now I can fight off all the nasty germs that the kids pick up at daycare. It will apparently get better, eventually.

Also, the doctor today strongly recommended that I get a thorough physical once I'm feeling better. I will definitely do that because I want to discuss the possibility that I am showing symptoms of/developing fibromyalgia (Nave, you should be proud of me, lol). No, I'm not a hypochondriac. My mother has fibro and started showing symptoms in her 30s and I have been showing what could be several symptoms. Better to find out early so that I can start managing it better.

Many friends of mine, both IRL and the ones who live in my computer, have told me "you need to take care of you." I love all of you and I get it, but I really don't know how or when to do that any more. I work FT (necessity); have 2 babes (17 mos and 35 mos); take care of the zoo (4 dogs, 2 cats & 2 fish); oh yeah, and my husband is deployed so I'm doing this all (temporarily) by myself. My family is across the country, as are many of my friends. I knew how to take care of me when I was childless, but now....it doesn't seem possible or easy.

I try to exercise (yes, I consider that ME taking care of ME) but being sick every fucking month has made that difficult. I read, when I can (that reminds me, I need to download Dexter Dreaming Darkly tonight) because I enjoy it. I need to get back into a regular yoga routine to help with stress....but again, where's the time? I already get up at 0515 so getting up earlier is NOT an option. Perhaps at night after my other (somewhat) regular workouts, which will put me going to bed later.

Today, one of my Twitter friends tweeted "now I know why celebrities check into hospitals for exhaustion." I totally get it too. The 7-8 hours I spent laid up in the ER last month were kind of awesome (maybe it was the morphine). I wasn't responsible for anyone or anything; in fact I had a staff of people waiting on ME. That my friends, was a very nice feeling....I could get used to that (and the morphine).

So I ask you, in all seriousness my friends, what do I do? How do I find the time to take care of me consistently without hiring a babysitter every freaking weekend? For real, I am willing to hear every legitimate suggestion. I WANT to take care of me again. I just feel defeated in that area and honestly, I want someone to take care of me....but he's thousands of miles away, dodging bullets right now.

I swear that I'm not a whiney twit all the time

I feel like lately all of done is whine. I promise, I really do love my life but at times it's difficult and I don't necessarily like it. Plus, February is just not the best month right now:

February 5th was 4 years that we've been TTC with no success.
February 14th is Valentine's Day (well and my oldest brother's birthday, which is of course a good thing <3) and while it's not an uber-important day to me, it's definitely a difficult day during deployment.
February 15th was the WTF appointment with our RE and part of the news was not good (more on that in a minute).
February 16th (today) is our third wedding anniversary and he's in a war zone.
Two out of four of our dogs are limping (one of them is a senior dog).
Lately the babes have been sleep fighting.
Today I had to cancel my hair appointment, the one thing that I have been looking forward to since the failed cycle, because our girl got sick and had to be picked up from preschool.
I emailed and called my therapist this week but haven't heard back from her.
I texted my local BFF last week, haven't heard back from her.

Yes, I know that "this too shall pass."I know that other people have it worse and yes, I love the babes and am thankful for them. I know that I am blessed with an amazing husband who calls me from over there as much as possible and who is still alive and relatively safe. And yes, I love our crazy zoo and would not trade any of them for the world. I am just having a tough time right now and apparently need to vent, A LOT.

Perhaps the hardest thing was the WTF appointment with the RE. I learned that we are now dealing with some MFI (male factor issues) regarding morphology and quality....as if my PCOS and endometriosis were not enough. The RE does not want to use any more of the frozen samples that P left and instead recommends a fresh IVF cycle after P gets home and after he has a SA to test his swimmers. I am just overwhelmed at the thought of doing another IVF and at the thought of paying for it (99% that we've used up my insurance benefit). We still have one frozen embryo but our RE is not crazy about thawing and transferring only one embryo but the success rate is not that great. No matter what, I am relieved to be on a break for a few months. As our RE said, I have "too much" going on right now and need to focus on me.

So yeah, I will take the next few months to focus on me as much as I can with 2 kids and a zoo. I also plan to find some way to make friends, reliable friends, in this place. I love my internet friends but it's not like I can teleport y'all here to me ;)

Want to feel like myself again

Just over 2 weeks since the BFN from the failed IVF cycle (wow, it seems like so much longer than that) and I still feel like I'm on hormones. Sore ovaries, headaches, bloat (though that is going down) and little to no energy. I tried to start P90X but I think it was too soon. I'll start it after AF comes again. Until then I will do yoga every day since I can pretty much always handle a moderate yoga workout.

On a happy note, the kids are doing GREAT! We went to BWW for dinner last night and they loved it! This weekend is finally a weekend of sun and moderate temps so after we eat a late breakfast, mail some care packages to P and get SB's hair cut, we will go somewhere and enjoy the weather...I'm thinking Garden of the Gods. Since the kids have gotten here, the weather has been so cold and they have been sick on and off so I haven't gotten to show them much of the city. We will definitely change that today. I cannot wait!!!

Ok, so off I go to get ready for the day. I am determined to get back to my old self!

Exhausted-warning, whining ahead

I am exhausted. Lately both babes are fighting any sort of sleep. I finally got J to sleep (after much crying) only to have SB launch a toy from her crib into his and then start her exorcist screaming. Currently she is in timeout while I type this. And yes, I am most definitely drinking wine.

I am out numbered.
I am tired.
I am sick of deployment.
I am sicking of fucking ovarian cysts that are so painful they wake me up
I am tired of negative temperatures, snow and ice (well, these wouldn't be so bad if my damn 4WD vehicle was in operating condition).
I am damn fucking sick of infertility.

Also, it looks like another one of our dogs has hip dysplasia :-( That makes 2 dogs with hip/joint problems, 1 with doggy dementia and 1 with adjustment issues (not including the fact that 3 out of 4 have skin allergies and both males have separation issues).

Tomorrow I will put my big girl panties back on but right now I will pour another glass of wine and have a pity party.

Day by Day.....

I haven't gone a day without crying.

I haven't gone a day without praying that it wasn't true.

Some days I am hopeful and hopeless at different times on the same days.

Everyday I am terrified that FET will not work.

Everyday I thank God for my family, friends and especially my amazing husband who makes me feel supported all the way from Afghanistan.

I have a plan because, well....plans make me feel better and more in control. I have become a BeachBody coach and plan to work through P90X (for a second time, love it!) and then Insanity so that I can get in shape and lose the IUI/IVF weight that I've gained over the past 2 years. I really want to make my BeachBody business work so that we can become debt free and so that we can save up money for future infertility treatments. My goal this week is to get through all the BB training so that I can really get started in this. For me, it's not just about making money; it's also about helping people improve their lives and get healthy. Here are my sites (so far) http://beachbodycoach.com/esuite/home/liberalgranola (My BeachBody page) and http://myshakeology.com/esuite/home/liberalgranola (my Shakeology page). I drink the chocolate Shakeology everyday and I freaking love it! Look for more posts on here about me getting in shape and helping others :)

My health/fitness goal is to lose 2 dress sizes, which will get me back to where I was before starting injectable infertility medications. It is a totally do-able goal for me. Also I'll be smokin' hot for P when he returns from deployment :)

I realize that there is no way that I can do FET without P here. Doing this fresh IVF cycle without him here, while being solely responsible for the kiddos was way too stressful. I have my WTF appt with the RE next month and I plan to talk to him about FET in detail, including letting him know my reasons for waiting. This failed IVF cycle has just been so emotionally and physically draining....I now know that I need P here with me for support.

I could not have gotten through this without the amazing support from my friends online. Seriously, y'all are a lifeline to me. Yo have people who understand, support me and don't judge me is so wonderful. I love y'all.